A facebook “friend” posted this a couple of days ago:
“Today is one of the saddest days of my life. My eldest granddaughter is graduating from 8th grade. Not only was I not invited to attend the graduation by my estranged daughter (who I had to disengage from in June 2022 upon medical advice due to her toxicity & chronic abuse of me), but the event was kept secret from me by my other children & even my own mother. There is so much more I wanted to say today but I am just too heartbroken to do so. I have done nothing to my granddaughter or even my daughter to warrant such cruelty. This dysfunctional situation is called Grandparent Alienation and involves among other things, lying, brainwashing (of the child), gaslighting, refusal of contact between the child & grandparent, and enabling of the situation by others. At a later time I will speak about this in depth. I am too distraught to do so now. It is considered by experts in the field to be "a severe form of child abuse & elder abuse." I have been allowed to see my granddaughter one time in four years. Congratulations T on your graduation. I love and miss you so very much and am so proud of you. Love, Nonni”
I don’t really know “Nonni.” She is a Facebook “friend”, someone whose path I crossed perhaps forty or more years ago. I taught her brother. Her father offered to stake me when I first began my photography business.
You could sum up our relationship in one cartoon
My emphasis centers on the distance my ”friend” and I have in real life. It’s limited to social media.
Go back to her post. She reveals a sadness in her life that begs for understanding and sympathy. And indeed, she received that in the comments that followed her post. At the same time, she exposed her sadness, her vulnerability to all 181 of her “friends”, many of whom, I suspect, have as distant relationship with her as I do. It’s awkward and uncomfortable knowing this. Second, accepting that she has an undesirable family situation, what changes are likely to happen after posting this in a public forum? Her daughter could see this. Her granddaughter could, too. It’s troubling. Nothing good can come of this.
If we were to read her post and ask the question, what did the daughter do to create this abusive relationship? Did the daughter do anything? We’ve only heard from the poster, not the daughter. And then we ask ourselves, why should we be in this position at all? It’s none of our business. Should this go beyond her family, her therapist, her counselors? She could have limited the post to those who need to know, who might be able to provide real help. She didn’t.
A elderly neighbor discovered the death of a friend’s daughter through Facebook so soon after the death that the deceased family hadn’t had the chance to contact caring friends themselves, essentially preempting the family’s right to make the connection. It’s inconsiderate, presumptuous, and disrespectful to pass on such information without consulting the family, who most likely would object. Strenuously. I’ve posted RIPs when I’ve been alerted to someone’s passing, but only when that person is known to all. Last week it was Tina Turner.
I use Facebook. What I do has changed through the years. I’ve always enjoyed the positive responses I’ve gotten from posting photographs. I Like showing my best images. They are meant to be seen, and Facebook provides that opportunity. I like the “likes.” I share meaningful experiences and thoughts. We just returned from a trip to Turkey. For several days I posted images from the trip.
In the past I expressed opinions, from Trump (mostly) to second amendment lovers. I stopped doing that years ago. I wasn’t about to change anyone’s mind. I enjoy reading posts from some of my friends. Some are amusing, informative, reflective, and occasionally quite powerful, not all of which come from my friends.
Here’s one that made me laugh yesterday. I’ve always appreciated irreverence.
Loved that one.
I’ve seen posts by people who’ve shared quotes I was unfamiliar with. A Korean author on NPR last week reported how surprised she was in returning to Seoul and discovering that on every corner there was a skin care shop or beauty shop or shop that catered to those whose purpose is to look good. Appalling. I saw this today from Dame Judi Dench.
Some deal with history, the events that might have occurred yesterday or two hundred years ago. I like that. They often point to another article.
Some of my Facebook “friends” are really friends. There are a handful that in referencing the cartoon, would be at my funeral. Keeping in touch with them, if only through Facebook, is important to me. And keeping in touch with them doesn’t prevent me from in-person relationships.
The dangers of Facebook have been studied, although questions remain. It’s undeniable that the more one interacts with social media the more likely that person will avoid interpersonal interaction. Real people. Someone who is susceptible to symptoms of anxiety and depression may find those symptoms increasing. People who have cut it off for periods of a month or so often find that its place in their lives is diminished.
Younger brains continue to grow. Though they might find some rewards in social media interaction, what is lost is what books they might have been reading, what conversations with friends they’re not having, what skills they might have attained, what music they might have made. And that’s not only true for them. It’s depressing to see adults with children, checking their phones, whether it’s social media or something else, in effect disregarding the immediate connection for the electronic one.
I’m not posting photos at this time. I’m not looking for props. I’m not looking at Facebook much at this time. I’m surviving.