From an article in The Atlantic by Arthur Brooks, a “to-don’t” list focuses on what you know to be wrong. It’s the “via negativa”, a negative way of looking at things, then avoiding them, which, in effect, allows for more positivity to enter your life.
Here’s where I started. One, I’ve obsessed about the little bulge above my belt that extends, rises up and out, then curves back, before returning to meet up with the rest of my body. It surrounds five or six very active pounds, that’s all, pounds that go on frequent vacations for a few days, then come home. Then go away. Then return. I’ve spent too much time worrying about them, wondering if they’re safe, whether they’ve picked up any bad habits, knowing that they’ll return, and worse, whether they’ll bring friends with them. Ignoring them altogether makes me happier.
Two. I’ve also obsessed about my 401k. It was so much fun watching it play and grow over the past several years. Like putting a yardstick over your kid’s head and seeing how tall he was last month, now how tall he is today. Growth in some things brings pride and contentment. Not so for investments over the last fifteen months. By ignoring that all-knowing website over the past few weeks, the one that knows exactly how much money I have, I no longer wonder how far it’s tumbled. I don’t know much money I have. And here’s the thing. Whether it was rising or falling, its movement had nothing to do with what I did any day, how I lived my life. Only how I felt. I feel better not knowing.
Three. Real estate. We own two houses. We live in one. Jason, Hawthorn, and Hazel live in the other. A year ago their values were through the proverbial roof. Fifteen months later they’ve lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in value. We have no plans to sell, so we haven’t lost that money. Many years ago, when David Buchholz Photography was a thing, I said to Jadyne, “We lost Healdsburg’s Prom.” That was a big deal, a huge moneymaker for DBP. She replied, “We didn’t lose it. We never had it in the first place.” So, about that real estate thing. It don’t make much no never mind.
Four. There have been toxic people in my life—my former daughter-in-law, my ex neighbor Bob Frassetto, people whose memories conjure up bad feelings. Once these people were unavoidable. Now Jason is divorced, and I know nothing about my former daughter-in-law now, only that her presence, physically, emotionally, and psychically, are gone, and with that. the toxicity. Bob Frassetto, who once said, “You disgust me,” sold his house, married for the third time, and left Kensington and my life. Both absences have brought about presence.
Brooks adds that in trying to find out who you really are, how to bring about the feelings of positivity, “…is to eliminate the things that are not truly you—for example, your career, your money, your looks, your social-media following. Write down items on that list. Each day, recite all of the things you are not, such as “I am not my job title.” You might just find that this via negativa has introduced you to yourself.”