Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday I leave my home in the early morning and drive nine minutes to 24 Hour Fitness. I choose locker #54 (if available), slide my combination lock two numbers to the right, dress in gym clothes, then choose the treadmill underneath the TV tuned to CNN or MSNBC, put on the Bose earphones, choose “shuffle" from the songs in my music library, then raise the treadmill to 15, the speed to 3.4, and the time to 30 minutes. Without fail. Except today.
It’s a beautiful clear morning, and Jadyne suggested that we go for a walk. I knew that after I spent thirty minutes on the treadmill, then swum my accustomed mile in the pool, I would be too tired to accompany her, so I left the house, thinking that if I swam only a half mile I wouldn’t be too tired to walk with her later. I did all that this morning, except after seven minutes on the treadmill I hit the STOP button, stepped away from the treadmill, dressed and came home. Why? I recognized that I was a victim of my own compulsion, that I do enough for my health, and that spending time with Jadyne on a hike counted more than seventy laps.
I began to wonder when a habit becomes a compulsion or an obsession. Here’s what I found. According to the infallible internet, “A habit can be defined as an acquired pattern of behavior that occurs regularly. Habits may be involuntary or voluntary and are often difficult to stop.” They can be either healthy or unhealthy. An unhealthy habit might be biting nails, driving too fast, living a sedentary lifestyle. My gym habit is healthy.
Habit vs. Addiction
A habit is a choice. Neurological changes in the brain prevent an addict from making choices. An addict also experiences unpleasant withdrawal symptoms. A person with a habit may experience mild withdrawal symptoms or none at all. A habit becomes an addiction, says the all-knowing internet, “when it interferes with daily life, when it negatively impacts a person’s relationships, school, or work.” I am not addicted to exercise. I like the way I feel after I do it.
Obsessions, Compulsions
An obsession refers to unwanted thoughts, urges, or images that are often out of a person’s control, causing uncomfortable feelings. I have a friend from more than fifty years ago that I found through Facebook. I was smitten with her when she was young; I’m glad to have found her again. Details aren’t important, only the feelings, which years ago became obsessive. I was uneasy but I overlooked those feelings. Dopamine set in. I was selfish. Uncomfortable feelings followed. For most people with obsessions, the discomfort resides in the person with the obsession. Mine surfaced when I had to acknowledge that this obsession was painful to people I loved. The relationship returned to where it started, a friendship.
Those who experience the discomfort from their own obsessions often develop compulsive behaviors in an effort to temporarily relieve their suffering—excessive hand washing, house cleaning, and orderliness. My former daughter-in-law takes medications and goes to therapy to mitigate the damage that her obsessions and compulsive behaviors have generated. There are a multitude of theories about the cause of OCD. Genetics is one. The compulsive behavior that follows only provides short-term relief and doesn’t make the obsession go away.
Obsessions are not a formal diagnosis. Only when they take up a significant part of the day, are unwanted, or negatively affect your personal life and relationships should you suspect that you have OCD. If you meticulously clean your house you don’t have OCD, unless you believe that a totally germ free house prevents you from feeling distressed.
Impulsions
In an article published by a website, Verywell Mind, “Impulsivity should not be confused with a compulsion, in which a person recognizes the behavior is abnormal but cannot stop it. With impulsivity, the person will act out without inherently recognizing that the behavior is abnormal. This instability often causes people to struggle with feelings of inadequacy that manifest with unstable emotions, unstable behaviors, and unstable relationships. In Bipolar Disorder, for example, people may be quick to lash out at anything considered a slight and will often fail to recognize how those emotions are unreasonable or excessive. People who experience impulsivity may make hasty decisions, get into arguments, and engage in risky behaviors.
I’m not impulsive or compulsive in the grand scheme, but I had unwanted thoughts intrude in my mind many years ago, and they caused me distress, even though I knew I would never have put them into motion. I took a class at Kaiser that dealt with much of what I have discussed. We were asked not to think about anything for a minute, but to count the number of thoughts that snuck in. Double figures. We fool ourselves to believe that we have complete control of our thoughts. We don’t. We must control how we respond to those thoughts, what actions we take, and how we can dismiss those that cause us distress.