This morning I updated my Tesla Model 3 with the software that crossed over my wifi system last night and found this, buried among a handful of bug fixes that make the ventilation system run more smoothly.
I tried it out today, running through the seven different fart sounds that the engineers at Tesla created, then shared with those of us who have plopped down the many thousands of dollars we plopped for the privilege of being green or being cool, or whatever motivated us to do what we do to own a Tesla.
I confess. I can’t remember laughing out loud. Ever. I like to believe that I have a sense of humor, that I love the New Yorker’s cartoons and short articles called “Shouts and Murmurs”, that I find that irony often amuses me. I laugh inside, but I just don’t guffaw, snort, or make noises. I love to listen to music, too, but it doesn’t move me to dance. Perhaps that’s because I’m a really shitty dancer, but I can be moved inwardly, I can dance without actually flailing my arms and legs. I can still do the Twist and the Stroll
With the update, though, you see a cartoon whoopee cushion on the giant screen in the center of the dashboard, and because it’s a touch screen you can move the cushion to whichever seat in the car you choose. Once placed you can choose from the seven different fart sounds:
Not a Fart: A two-part toot.
rts Ripper: As the name implies, an extremely short sound. Good for turn signals.
A slam on Tesla stock short sellers, who Musk regularly trolls.
Falcon Heavy: Aptly named and powerful.
Named after the SpaceX rocket that launched Elon Musk's personal Tesla Roadster into orbit.
Ludicrous Fart: A long, victorious display of windy harmony.
Named after Tesla's high-performance acceleration setting, Ludicrous Mode.
Neurastink: A generic fart sound effect.
One of the more indistinguishable companies that Musk fronts, NeuraLink .
Boring: Rumbly.
Another play on The Boring Company .
I'm so random: Literally picks one of the above fart sounds at random.
The sound is generated from speakers placed near the seat where the Whoopee cushion is placed on the screen and activated either by the turn signal or by a rotary knob on the steering wheel. So, just as someone enters the car, the driver has the world at his fingers.
Confession. As I drove down I-80 to pick up the Christmas Honey-Baked Ham I hit the litle knurled knob on the steering wheel, with sound set to “I’m so random.” Over and over again. I disproved my theory. I can, absolutely can, laugh out loud.
In an hour I’m driving to two different elementary schools to pick up three of my grandchildren, ages 9, 8, and 6. I wish I could record their faces when they sit down.
So, to answer my question, “When Does a Boy Become a Man?” In my case, never.